I’ve spent the last couple of days in a pensive near coma like state since having the update from Dr Hashme. I’ve broken down giving the news to friends. I haven’t actually laid eyes on anyone from my family (save Kerry) since finding out the news so I have all of that coming too.
It’s nobodies fault, we’ve just all been busy.
I am actually seeing everyone from my immediate family this weekend and I couldn’t be happier. My Brother is coming from Glasgow and staying with me. My Mum and Dad are coming home from Crete for two weeks to spend half term at my sister Harriet’s. My other sister Abbi lives within 2 minute walk of Harriet. So it makes sense for M&D to stay with them.
Although we already have pre-made plans for the Sunday coming, I will spend the rest of the time with my family, I honestly couldn’t be happier.
Right up until I am the arse of their jokes but c’est la vie.
I am the youngest in the family so it’s expected. Don’t think a little cancer will stop the viciousness that can be my siblings and I.
I’ll give it 20 minutes before mum has to say something.
Anyway, back to the blog. I just cannot get used to hearing this ‘good news’.
Give me bad news any day of the week, I’m so f***ing used to it now. I have spent the last 3 months hearing it. Bad news usually means you take it in, you plan the next steps and you get on with it.
Don’t give me good news. Good news reeks of hope and I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed down the line. I’ve spent hours awake thinking this through.
Do we stop chemotherapy and now talk radiotherapy and operations?
What if stopping the chemo makes more mets appear whilst we’re getting rid of the remnants of some of the old mets or the main cancer?
Does stopping Chemo for even one session mean you have to go through the likes of sessions 1-3 of a chemotherapy cycle? because if so… Feck that! they’re the worst.
I know that ultimately, the decision falls to me as as we discuss everything through and I make no decisions without Kerry either, it’s something we have just talked about, we don’t have the results MDT meeting yet. Once we have that it’ll be time to talk about it.
Till then, it’s just late nights thinking about it. It’s times like this I’d really like to speak to someone who’s been through it all and knows the answers to some of my questions. I don’t even especially mean bowel cancer. Any cancer really.
I put a smol pause in this blog and called it a night, I woke up to a new letter on the doorstep. If it ever has ‘Cameron James Mortimer on it, it’s NHS, todays letter is another invitation to see Mr Hashme tomorrow to most likely discuss it further. I managed to get some sleep and not think too much on it. I ended up having a friend and general all round tall person Mr Carl appearing in my dreams, wearing his white tuxedo jacket and dancing to babylon zoo. If any of you knew me from the Mayfair years, that ought be enough of a description to get the memories flowing.
I mentioned a few blogs ago about pain in my lower back and kidneys, I had years of pains from kidney stones and botched NHS kidney stone removal. However, this pain just doesn’t want to let up at the moment. I can get about 4 hours sleep and then I can’t rest anymore on either side.
I ended up with morphine for breakfast but as soon as I am up an around, I wouldn’t need the pain medication.
Today marks my and Kerry’s 13th anniversary, it also marks the 12th year since we got engaged in Paris. A mixture of illness and money being prioritised to other things we never got married, If we had some spare money and you’d still have me, I swear I’d do it in a heartbeat. However, we don’t celebrate things during the week days. We never have but I am sure I can create something delicious for this evening before we celebrate this Friday. We decided to go to Prashad in Leeds. It’s a some 7 course banquet of vegi curry.
Well, I want this blog out before the meeting tomorrow so I am going to post it now.
Mood: Chipper, it’s my anniversary.
Pain: Kidney Pain through the night 6/10, pain in bowel area, negligible 2/10
Appetite: Meh, food. Not hungry especially.
Weight: 200 lbs 90 KG 14 St