###This was emailed to practically everyone I know. It’s massive and I think it’s well worth a read.
I wonder if you remember me telling you or not but my Pestle and Mortar was stolen recently when my f(l)atmate moved out. Now I do have to point out, I’ve owned it for a good 10 years as it was a wedding present from my cousin Dominic and his wife Sandra. I love it. I use it a lot and the day the twat moved out was the last day I saw it. I have been free from the ‘Greek scourge’ for a month and a bit now and to say that I searched the house top to bottom looking for it would be an understatement. I am truly trying not to make this tl;dr so I will keep it short and sweet.
Well… I am not really confrontational. Quite the opposite, I do anything for an easy life if truth be told. I really had given up on it because I just couldn’t find a way to come out with it and say, “Excuse me Greek, but did you steal my Pestle and Mortar when you moved out?” He would just lie and my one and only way of asking him would be lost forever.
So basically…. Shepy was collecting mail one morning, a particularly heavy piece of mail came for Phil, as it hit the door mat it exploded open and we were all forced to read it.
Basically, I digress. We got sick of Phil’s mail. Shepy decided he’d have a butchers and that little shitehawke has been claiming benefits with a good (damn near £50,000) amount. Shepy seized the moment.
P.S. Phil still never paid up for:-
The bed frame he ruined (£100)
Hole in the wall as he punched it
Hole in the wall as he was too stupid to notice his bed frame was collapsing and digging into the wall
Holes all over the newly plastered walls and he just banged nails into the walls everywhere
The disgusting state of the room as he didn’t deal with any damp the whole time he lived there
Cutlery he stole to setup home in his new house
Crockery he stole to setup home in his new house
The Ikea chair he destroyed when he came home blind drunk
The Ikea glasses he stole or smashed
I give two fucks about all of this and would have given it all up to have my beloved Pestle and Mortar back.
Here is the how the man the legend. The walking erection with a cheeseburger on the end of it. Mr Riccardo McSheppyo got my beloved Mortar and Pestle back.
Bit long, but fucking hilarious email exchange last night. To give you some context, my new housemates, when their last housemate moved out, he stole some shit
Silly shit, like a couple of plates, a couple of cups, basically set him self up for his new place
But one thing he took from the kitchen was massive mortar and pestle which Cam got as a wedding present, and uses all the time (he’s a chef)
12:19 AM (11 hours ago)
to phtsatsas, bcc: Cam, bcc: k.gallagher.05
You might remember me from such productions as “I don’t like seeing people taking the piss out of my mates” and “You should do the right thing”.
Now, the situation as i understand it is Phil is that I saw a letter to you hit the mat and fall open and the contents spilled out of their own accord, which revealed a certain amount of personal investment. Now the concern that you should have is that level of personal investment excludes you from claiming benefits. Ignorance would be a beautiful thing allowing you to claim benefits, were this statement not to make it clear that it’s a twice yearly thing. I’m presuming you don’t have a clear 6 months without benefits claim?
Now, as you left my friend’s house you took with you a pestle and mortar, which we both know you had your eye on and commented on, and was not there when you left.
I’m going to make you an offer Phil. We can meet up, and you can hand over said pestle and mortar, or I can hand over the documents I’ve found to a friend who works at the DSS in Longbenton.
The ball is firmly in your court sir, I eagerly await your reply
El Beardio, Shepio.
12:51 AM (11 hours ago)
Said pestle and mortar was bought by me Richard in debenhams in Sunderland. And my Smart shades conveniently went missing after i left my flat.
I’m sure Cam kept my shades which I let go. Despite my dislike. I never took anything from that house I never entered with when I arrived.
1:00 AM (11 hours ago)
to Phil, bcc: Cam, bcc: Kerry
Ok, so the P&M that Cam got as a wedding present was bought by you once you moved in, at a random store 15 miles from where you lived? Sorry dude, but i believe a chef’s take on the contents of his kitchen, especially when emotionally tied to a failed marriage and a ‘time in my life’ sort of situation.
I’m not getting into argument about anything else you say was left behind such as the specs, but the P&M is of concern and my only really argument here.
So I’d offer you a challenge sir, to contend your statement.
If you’d like to provide me with a photograph of said P&M I’ll happily mail it through to Sunderland Debenhams and say exactly “I bought this 6 months ago, and it has now developed a crack, who is the manufacturer or do i proceed with a manufacturer guarantee claim with you?”. I’m going to hazzard a guess that they will say they know nothing of this product, but combined with your photos surely the cant contend, right?
1:18 AM (10 hours ago)
If there is no other concern that really needs to be addressed here then the P&M will be returned.
I checked the brand of the one I took & it is not the one I thought it was.
That was an honest mistake, I had no intention of taking what I didn’t think was mine.
As for making threats with my mail, I don’t appreciate that. I am employed & have been for some time.
I will have the P&M brought to you tomorrow & in exchange you can return whatever documents & mail that is rightfully mine.
1:38 AM (10 hours ago)
to Phil, bcc: Cam, bcc: Kerry
Well i think we both know that there are other concerns here Phil, we both know there are other obligations that should have been met if you were not a cunt.
Frankly, you’re not the man I thought you were, I thought you had more honour than I am seeing.
That said, as i’ve mentioned, my primary concern it to facilitate the return of the M&P that has significant sentimental value to Cam.
I assure you though, squire, I was not making threats with your mail I was simply explaining the extents to which I was willing to investigate the entire situation. Obviously there are many sides to a tale, surprisingly one of those in this instance is that you were so fucking sure that the property you removed belonged to you, until put in a situation you didn’t like then suddenly you find that it’s a different brand to the one you thought.
I’m happy to meet you, or an agent of your’s at any time between 6 and 7 within a reasonable distance of Gateshead metro. Nominate the time and the place and we can do the exchange on this.
I’d suggest that the best course of action from there forthwith is that neither me nor mine hear from you, and we shall reciprocate in kind.
2:02 AM (10 hours ago)
That seems fine.
My friend will meet you outside Iceland at the metro station by 6:30pm. He’ll have the M&P for you.
2:06 AM (10 hours ago)
Danke schoen, I’ll see him there, I shall have an envelope with the letter in question for you. I’ll stand by the front door at Iceland at 6:30.
I’ll assume he comes up to me as you’ve given no description, I’m easy to recognize if the piercings are described.
That’s it. A monster read but justice served.